How We Love (Expanded Edition) by Milan and Kay Yerkovich (book review)
Several years ago I wrote a book review on "How We Love Our Kids" by Milan and Kay Yerkovich. I learned that I had a vacillator love style in my parenting - meaning I vacillated (kind of like an oscillating fan) between wanting to be a really involved mom which lead to me being sort of overwhelmed and then I would back way off, almost isolating myself into myself.
I've worked really hard to push past my natural tendency to pull away from my kids when I get overwhelmed. This has taken a lot of prayer and Holy Spirit gumption. Motherhood has been more enjoyable and I can see the difference in my children's attitudes when I pushed through my natural tendencies to do the next right thing!
I recently read "How We Love" by Milan and Kay Yerkovich, which is their original book on how to "Discover your love style, enhance your marriage." Who doesn't want to enhance their marriage?!
My biggest take away from this book has been the section called "Duets that Damage" where it explains what happens when two differing love styles get married. My husband is a pleaser and I still fall to the vacillator love style. As a vacillator, I idealize things and get disappointed quite easily. I easily feel abandoned or forgotten and can assume people (including my husband) intend to hurt (when they really don't). As a pleaser, that can trigger my husband to do things to make me happy and minimize conflict. That, in turn, can make me feel not heard well or disappointed more if the things done to make me happy, don't make me happy (love languages comes in to play here with me being a gift giver - and receiver - and my husband being a acts of service kind of guy). It's just an interesting concept that has gotten better for us just through intentional listening. To see it written in a book and see that there is this pattern that is common is quite eerie. Like having someone look into your life telescopically.
I also enjoyed some questions in the book that helped me look at why I have developed into a vacillator love style. The first that has stuck with me was "do you remember receiving comfort as a child?" This means beyond comfort received when you fell off your bike, but more emotional. I have no recollection of being cuddled or held at all. This is not to say I wasn't but I do not recall that. This is a sensitive question because it falls back to my parents, who were good parents and did the best raising me as they has the tools to do. But we all fall short, and I'm included in that. My children will likely have hurts and scars from my parenting, too, so this in no way is meant to be demeaning but just interesting. Without that comfort memory, it's difficult for people to be vulnerable and know when to seek out help with their emotions.
Another question was in the "Duets that Damage" section: "Think about how your family handled feelings, such as happiness, anger, frustration, sadness, and fear, when you were a child. Did both parents express all these emotions? What about the other family members?" Often times we are taught how to handle (or in most cases, not handle) our emotions. I don't think that was in my parents' toolbox, how to handle emotions or how to help their children handle emotions. I struggle greatly with expressing my emotions and working through them versus merely reacting (badly) to them. I think this is a common thing but something I'd rather no repeat in my own parenting. Having a 10-year-old already, I have some work cut out for me helping him (and my other children) acknowledge their emotions and work healthily through them.
In "How We Love," the Yerkoviches talk about a list of soul words. This is a tool to help us (and our children and spouses) acknowledge our true emotions. There is happy but beyond that there is "cheerful, delighted, elated, encouraged, glad..." For each emotion, we can dig deeper to be more specific. When we are more specific (I feel humiliated versus ashamed), then we can dig deeper in ourselves (and family members) to unearth the cause and work toward healing. It was mentioned in the book, and I've done my own research with it since, that most of the time when you ask someone how they feel about something, they don't answer with a feeling. "How do you feel about your husband switching jobs?" "Oh it's going to be great." That's not how you're feeling at all! It's just an interesting tid bit that has made me think about how I respond. The more we work on identifying our soul words, the better off our relationships will be.
If you want to understand your own love style, there is a quiz on the How We Love website that can be useful. To dig deeper and really work through your love style, they also have a workbook available.
Disclaimer: I received this book in order to write an honest review. All opinions are my own and may vary from others' opinions about the book, author(s), or most anything else.
I've worked really hard to push past my natural tendency to pull away from my kids when I get overwhelmed. This has taken a lot of prayer and Holy Spirit gumption. Motherhood has been more enjoyable and I can see the difference in my children's attitudes when I pushed through my natural tendencies to do the next right thing!
I recently read "How We Love" by Milan and Kay Yerkovich, which is their original book on how to "Discover your love style, enhance your marriage." Who doesn't want to enhance their marriage?!
 |
| image via Blogging for Books |
I also enjoyed some questions in the book that helped me look at why I have developed into a vacillator love style. The first that has stuck with me was "do you remember receiving comfort as a child?" This means beyond comfort received when you fell off your bike, but more emotional. I have no recollection of being cuddled or held at all. This is not to say I wasn't but I do not recall that. This is a sensitive question because it falls back to my parents, who were good parents and did the best raising me as they has the tools to do. But we all fall short, and I'm included in that. My children will likely have hurts and scars from my parenting, too, so this in no way is meant to be demeaning but just interesting. Without that comfort memory, it's difficult for people to be vulnerable and know when to seek out help with their emotions.
Another question was in the "Duets that Damage" section: "Think about how your family handled feelings, such as happiness, anger, frustration, sadness, and fear, when you were a child. Did both parents express all these emotions? What about the other family members?" Often times we are taught how to handle (or in most cases, not handle) our emotions. I don't think that was in my parents' toolbox, how to handle emotions or how to help their children handle emotions. I struggle greatly with expressing my emotions and working through them versus merely reacting (badly) to them. I think this is a common thing but something I'd rather no repeat in my own parenting. Having a 10-year-old already, I have some work cut out for me helping him (and my other children) acknowledge their emotions and work healthily through them.
In "How We Love," the Yerkoviches talk about a list of soul words. This is a tool to help us (and our children and spouses) acknowledge our true emotions. There is happy but beyond that there is "cheerful, delighted, elated, encouraged, glad..." For each emotion, we can dig deeper to be more specific. When we are more specific (I feel humiliated versus ashamed), then we can dig deeper in ourselves (and family members) to unearth the cause and work toward healing. It was mentioned in the book, and I've done my own research with it since, that most of the time when you ask someone how they feel about something, they don't answer with a feeling. "How do you feel about your husband switching jobs?" "Oh it's going to be great." That's not how you're feeling at all! It's just an interesting tid bit that has made me think about how I respond. The more we work on identifying our soul words, the better off our relationships will be.
If you want to understand your own love style, there is a quiz on the How We Love website that can be useful. To dig deeper and really work through your love style, they also have a workbook available.
Disclaimer: I received this book in order to write an honest review. All opinions are my own and may vary from others' opinions about the book, author(s), or most anything else.
Comments