As I sit in this quiet before the roar of the school morning arises, I am flooded with memories. I can recall how I felt in a moment better than I can recall pictures of the moment in my head. My heart resounds stronger than my head.
There's the horribleness that was junior high - the whole thing was just aching. I remember how my stomach turned when I had to confront someone or ask help of a teacher.
There's the desperate ache reaching out to me from my high school past. A time filled with need, filled by those too stupid to understand their injustice upon one with so low esteem. One who couldn't pinpoint her need for a Savior so turned to emptiness to fill her.
There's the exalted joy when I realized that He was the One. Not Big A but Jesus. That horror and guilt at knowing I had denied him over and over in my young years, but the overwhelmingness of realizing that I was forgiven and saved.
The secret happiness when I realized he was about to get down on one knee to ask me to be his. Big A this time. Oh the misty-eyed doe I was standing by that waterfall, eyes closed, opened to a new life with him.
My anger when fighting with my sister before my wedding. And the forgiveness felt after the punch and chaos died down.
My terrifying excitement when that little plus sign showed up. The sorrow when baby was not welcomed by each family member. The tired quiet joy of new motherhood after my big Moose was laid upon my chest.
The tired ache of how hard this motherhood stuff was (is). The anger that comes with no sleep and toddler messes. The exhaustion overwhelmed by baby kisses, gone in an instant. Those last few moments of wakefulness, thinking about the future.
The joy of turning a family of 3 to 4. The epic move to the East - and back home again. The depression and sadness when 4 doesn't seem to bond as well as 3. The dawning of realization that "this too shall pass."
The wornness of moving over and over and over and over....until the settling comes. The home feeling of finding a family in another town. Building a family around God's people.
And now...the memories yet to come.