I have a confession. This past week I have been a Debbie Downer. Anthony & I realized that we won't be able to give a reasonable offer on a house we really love, and then we've also decided that a larger family is not the responsible thing for us to do at this time (if ever). Both of those have been weighing on my heart this week and I've let them weigh very heavily.
While I was reading my Bible last night, I realized that I had lost focus of my life's purpose. I had been focusing on these desires - which aren't bad desires, really - instead of remembering that I am here to please God, to serve God. He takes such good care of me and my family. Who am I to complain about things like this? Do I not have a good house to sleep in now? Do I not have a wonderful family as is?
I want to be patient like Paul through times of hardship and disappointment. While my heart may ache, I want to be joyful like Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 6:10. This is not to say that God doesn't want us to have emotions - He gave them to us! Life is hard and full of disappointments, persecution, failures, etc!
But I took my heartache to wallowing and forgetting that my joy doesn't come from brick and stone or even from flesh and blood, but it comes from the unyielding gratitude for my life here on earth and my eternal life in heaven - given as a gift, paid in full, of my debt payment through Jesus' death on Calvary!
Besides I have a home, a house even! God has said that He's made room for me in heaven so let me not be preoccupied with owning a home here on earth. Again, not that it's bad but it shouldn't be my ultimate goal. I still want a house to call my own - I'd rather put money into something that's mine than someone else's house. But I can still have a home while we rent. We do have a home, a nice home, a welcoming home!
As for a larger family, I don't know what the future holds - there are many years left. I do know that God's plans are bigger than our own, but God has also put me in a marriage where we respect one another. Although we would both like more children, we also realize the responsibility we have to the two sons we already have! And I do very much realize that I have two wonderful sons who are very much large blessings in my life.
Last night, I felt straight up conviction for my wallowing and despair. What a Comforter and Friend I have in the Holy Spirit who will put me back on the path of righteousness. I don't have much knowledge about the Holy Spirit but my Bible notes tell me that "Each time the Holy Spirit reminds you of Scripture, convicts you of sin, restrains you from selfish behavior, or prompts you to love, you have evidence that he is present." That totally went on last night. Thank you, Lord, for the Holy Spirit to guide me. Please let me produce those Fruit of His Spirit!