Monday, February 8, 2010

letting go

Moose has a problem letting me go. Even when I leave him with Big A to go to my aerobics class, he gets very upset.

"Mommy! Mommy"

He can be distracted by the movie Cars, Veggie Tales, Wii, or any other assortment of media entertainment. But his mind always wanders back to me.

Now he thinks that whenever I leave him with his daddy, I leave. I will be in the kitchen doing dishes while Big A does bathtime and I hear him.

"Mommy? Mommy?"

He's been kicked out of the tub twice already because he just doesn't get that I'm just in the other room.

Big A thinks that I should do things like go to MOPS and this Valentine's dinner at church this Friday and just leave him because "it's good for him." Who says?

Who says that it's good to leave a two-year-old (who hasn't been separated from his mom that he can remember) with complete strangers? Who says it's good for him to hyperventilate when those nice strangers try to comfort him (but aren't his mommy)? Who says it's good for him?

Before women's lib and all that fun stuff, kids never left their moms. Even after, it's all fine and dandy if your kid has been in daycare (even part-time) or going to grandma's since he was a baby. That's all he knows. That's not all Moose knows. He knows me.

So I'll try because apparently "it's good for him." But to be honest, I think that's a bunch of crap and it makes the aftermath so much harder for all of us.

** EDIT to add: I probably wouldn't be having such a hard time with this myself if it weren't for the past year. Three moves, a group home, a new brother. Seems like a lot, right? Try putting all of that on a 2-year-old's shoulders. I just hate to push him into not being with me (virtually the only constant in his life thus far with all those changes) and being with a bunch of strangers. **


angie said...

I think it's good for kids to have some time away from mom. BUt, it should be done gradually and with those they love and trust. My oldest daughter had major seperation issues so I rarely left her. She was over it by 2.5 or 3.

~Amanda~ said...

It is a hard thing to do...leaving the little ones. But, it is good for him to learn to be independent of you. That's not saying that it won't be hard for him, it will...but at some point he will have to be away from you (school, MOPS, etc.) Better to do it now than when he gets older and the separation anxiety gets worse.

Jen said...

I have to agree with Angie, it is good for kids to have time away from mom. The more you do it, the better it will be.

Me said...

Hmmm. I think it is good for them, but think you have to do it in little increments.

And with all the changes you guys have had? I can understand him feeling the way he does.

I also think it is good for YOU tho. I'm sorry it's hard on you. I promise it gets (a little) easier with time.

I just went back to work after Lily and am fortunate to only be working part time now. So, only 4 hour shifts and the girls are thankfully (but sadly) used to it and Lily is taking to a bottle like a champ (I didn't even try until last night when I was at work. Oh way, I didn't try, Shawn did!) so I don't have to worry about that,'s sad. The best part about leaving is coming home.

Sorry to take up so much space :)

Erin said...

I have the same problems with Thomas...he's just shy of 3 and just starting to get over it...he actually told me yesterday "Bye Mommy, see you later" But Christopher is just getting into I suppose another year of him having the anxiety and then it will be ME who is missing THEM

EmmaP said...

kadin was a mama's boy. if i was in the shower and shut the bathroom door, he would sit outside the door crying and calling for me. It got worse AFTER Kienna was born. it was almost like he reverted a little bit. he was very clingy. i didn't leave them with sitters... maybe once. but also because his dad and i did not have date night. while it is "good for him" to learn that he is OK while you are running errands or in the next room making dinner, etc. It is also good to reassure kids that you aren't abandoning them. With Kadin, when I ran to comfort him (or "cottle" him as some might say) I think I made it a little worse; i enabled him to use his tears to get to me. However,whenever I was in the next room and he'd cal for me, I'd say, "I'm right here. And you're ok". I used that "you're ok" a lot. When I dropped him off at the church nursery (aka, his "class") I would explain that i needed to go with the adults for just a bit, while he would get to have fun with his new friends, etc... and that we would be back very soon and that he would be OK!

Sometimes he still cried. The funniest was when I was taking him to the nursery at church while we hada ladies night. I said, "you get to go to class and have treats and color and-" and he finished my sentence with "I'm going to be ok, mommy?" I reassured him yes.

Anyway beorehand I would say things like, "gues what! They are having a special nursery class at church (or whateverit is) and they are going to let all of the kids go to color and play with toys and have snacks! Won't that be fun?" I just really tried to talk it up before hand. I really made it sound like a party. he didn't always want to go, especially at first, but it helped.

Ok -- now -- here is what helped ME! (sorry, this is long). Now, don't think I'm a wimp...but, I sort of stretched the truth when I took Kadin to the nursery/babysitting at the church (or anywhere else). I would tell the babysitters to please not let him cry uncontrollably for more then 10 minutes. I would tell them that when Kadin gets worked up he has a high gag reflex and will most likely throw up from crying so hard. This is true.... really. and the girls did not want to think about ceaning up puke, so they knew they needed to come and get me if he was crying and hyperventilating. They only ever had to come and get me twice.

Anyway -- good luck!

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