Sunday, September 20, 2009

fair warning attached

To my readers (the few but much appreciated ones): I'll give you fair warning that this is not a happy post. It's a plea to the Lord to help me out with my own characteristics. Skip it if you want, that's fine. :) I understand but please if you do read it and think I'm awful, please don't comment. I'm having a hard enough time with this. I just needed to let it out somewhere. :) I know that you'll understand. thank you

Abba, why do I find it so hard to be content? Even on days when things are perfect (well, you know, besides this whole being sick & SORE from yesterday thing...lol): slept in, food is made for 2 days by my wonderful husband because he's doing an overnight for work out of town, perfect weather, my beautiful kids. Why does my mind wander to what I don't have. No I don't really have friends I talk to or hang out with, I don't have my dream house - or any house - to speak of, my younger kid is fussy so much it's hard (I wasn't going to admit this but You know anyway...that sometimes - and only sometimes - I honestly have a hard time wanting to hold him because I have to hold him so often...please don't misread this as a lack of love because I love Squirt so much, he has a hold of my heart every bit as much as his brother...that little face, those little hands, that rare smile meant only for me...), my husband & I don't get any romantic time - or non-romantic time - to ourselves, we haven't won the lottery (haha aka money's tight). Why can't I just live in the moment? Not think about whether I'll send my kids to school rather than homeschool them. Not think about whether I'll get a Christmas/birthday present in the next 5 years. Not think about whether I can do that one thing I'm not ready to tell everyone about yet but You know, of course. Not think about the what ifs of not having insurance.

And to think, I used to be an optimist. ha. Lord, I'm trying. I guess that's all You ever ask of me is to keep trying. I will, I promise.

11 comments:

Flying Giggles and Lollipops said...

You are not a horrible person. Being a mother can be so overwhelming! It is normal for you to want everything to be perfect, you are not only looking out for yourself anymore, you are looking out for your boys too! It is easy to slip into being pessimistic. I know. Sometimes I get caught up in my own thoughts about the "what ofs" and "could ofs", but you have to almost train yourself to realize when you start thinking negative and shut it down! But, most of all, do not be hard on yourself. Maybe you need a break. Just like people get burnt out at work, Mommies get burnt out too, I know, because sometimes it happens to me! Especially when dealing with a fussy one! Adding money problems on top of everything and it can make anyone break. So, just hang in there Mama, I will be thinking of you. And if you need a friend, you can always shoot me an email!

Helene said...

I can really appreciate this post. And I applaud your courage and strength to post it here. I have the same issue from time to time...I tend to focus on what I don't have sometimes. I think everyone does it at some point.

Hang in there....

Jen said...

(((((HUGS))))))

Stesha said...

You wrote with a sincere and honest heart and he will hear you prayer.

Hugs and Mocha,
Stesha

Shannon said...

hey pretty lady! remember that being honest is not being pessimistic. :) remember that you are already on the right track by turning your mind to your Father. remember that a broken heart is an exceptable offering and remember that i love you and think of you often!!! (but not as much as Jesus does)

Your cool friend Cheryl said...

At least you are honest with yourself.

If you are having a hard time, have you talked with your doctor about PPD? Feelings of being overwhelmed can quickly get out of hand, and PPD doesn't always necessarily show up immediately after birth.

Hang in there! :)

angie said...

I think every honest mother can relate to this post. I hear you. Yes I do. And, I'm sending you a big hug.

Happy said...

It's good to get those feelings out to God! He cares. He loves you and wants whats best for you and will see to completion the work he started in you.

And he doesn't call us to do things (Like mothering) without equipping us with the ability to handle the job...of course also that we rely on Him for such ability.

Psalm 1. Romans 8:28

*But it's okay to allow yourself to wallow a little. We all do it. I know I do. I'm constantly thinking some of the same things about not being "content" with my place in life or the things I (don't) have.

I pray you'll find peace soon.

EmmaP said...

Oh my... if this is a complaining post then you are saint! hahaha! I remember once I said prayer and I am ashamed to admit that I basically chewed Him out... no worries, tho...i've repented though... hehehe.

Lesley said...

I can relate....but I have to say...you wrote it out very well...mine would have been much worse..lol....I think we all have those times when we can't be so bright eyed and bushy tailed...

Orange Juice said...

Girl, you are so normal! SO NORMAL! And I totally feel ya! we tend to paint this lovely pictures of happiness and perfection but under it all we struggle.

((HUGS!))

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