To my readers (the few but much appreciated ones): I'll give you fair warning that this is not a happy post. It's a plea to the Lord to help me out with my own characteristics. Skip it if you want, that's fine. :) I understand but please if you do read it and think I'm awful, please don't comment. I'm having a hard enough time with this. I just needed to let it out somewhere. :) I know that you'll understand. thank you
Abba, why do I find it so hard to be content? Even on days when things are perfect (well, you know, besides this whole being sick & SORE from yesterday thing...lol): slept in, food is made for 2 days by my wonderful husband because he's doing an overnight for work out of town, perfect weather, my beautiful kids. Why does my mind wander to what I don't have. No I don't really have friends I talk to or hang out with, I don't have my dream house - or any house - to speak of, my younger kid is fussy so much it's hard (I wasn't going to admit this but You know anyway...that sometimes - and only sometimes - I honestly have a hard time wanting to hold him because I have to hold him so often...please don't misread this as a lack of love because I love Squirt so much, he has a hold of my heart every bit as much as his brother...that little face, those little hands, that rare smile meant only for me...), my husband & I don't get any romantic time - or non-romantic time - to ourselves, we haven't won the lottery (haha aka money's tight). Why can't I just live in the moment? Not think about whether I'll send my kids to school rather than homeschool them. Not think about whether I'll get a Christmas/birthday present in the next 5 years. Not think about whether I can do that one thing I'm not ready to tell everyone about yet but You know, of course. Not think about the what ifs of not having insurance.
And to think, I used to be an optimist. ha. Lord, I'm trying. I guess that's all You ever ask of me is to keep trying. I will, I promise.