Thursday, May 21, 2009

I just wish I understood...

If you were looking for a happy post, look below at my Writer's Workshop posts. This, unfortunately, is not one of those posts, but I have to get this off my chest; it's driving me insane.

Now, I've mentioned my mother-in-law before. Basically how she dislikes me and, honestly, my husband, too. He "changed" when he met me (sorry he became a Christian and stopped drinking, although he rarely did that), and who knows what else. She'll deny this face-to-face, of course, and most people think she's nice when they meet her.

But something about me just irks her (and vice versa). I've never felt more unwelcome in a house like I do when I go to their house. I can't stand it when Big A leaves my side out there. I've come to learn that his brother's fiance feels similarly; which is why she's rarely inside the house if she's out there at all.

When I got pregnant with Moose, she was not happy about it. She told us congratulations about 8 hours after we told her, and proceeded to tell no one. We told her sometime in October or early November, and at Thanksgiving half of her family had no clue! Then "someone" (my vote is her or her youngest sister who is her mini-me) said that we "should have waited" (for what? to be married? oh, that's right we were married - and besides it's a little late now and it wasn't exactly planned but nonetheless we were excited).

She told Big A that she did not want to throw me a baby shower because they are "tacky." She, surprisingly, did attend, however.

When the big day came, Moose was born at 3:10pm and she and my father-in-law showed up around 8pm. They live 40 minutes away while my parents (who live 3 hours away) were there BEFORE I started pushing. Even in my exhaustion, that hurt. She/they did not help at all when he was born: no meal to help us out, not even an offer to help with chores around the house, and actually, the first week, I think they showed up once.

And thereafter, they showed up at our house about as much as my parents did (who, let me remind you, live 3 1/2 hours away from where we lived). We did go to their house, and, to give her credit, she did watch Moose on Fridays for a month for me while I finished school.

When we told her about this pregnancy in mid-October or early November (again), she called us the next day to congratulate us. Since then, it has not been mentioned through her lips. Not once has she asked how I am, about the baby, nothing. And I'm serious, not one word.

After we moved to Richmond, Big A's brother told us that their dad was upset that we "took" their grandson away from them so they couldn't be grandparents anymore. I'm very glad that this was not said to my face or even to me over the phone because I would have shut that down. They had every opportunity for a year and a half to be grandparents, and they squandered their opportunity. Even when we visited before Easter, MIL did not sit down at all to play with Moose and FIL barely did. I felt so hurt for him; I felt so relieved that he's so young that he wouldn't notice.

But now my brother-in-law and his fiance are pregnant with twins, one boy, one girl. And she's (MIL) is already talking about taking time off to help. I'm not even infuriated at this for myself, but for the indifference shown towards my kids. She's not planning on taking any time to help me when this baby's born nor did she help when Moose was born (or after I had my gallbladder out mere months after Moose was born; she didn't even send me a card for that). She wasn't even planning on coming to Richmond for the birth if we'd had the baby out there; I think she was taken aback when she heard my parents were planning on flying out. MIL can say it's because my future SIL doesn't have a mom, but she has a step mom, she has sisters (with kids so they have experience), and she also has a ten-year-old so this isn't exactly the first time she's had to do this.

I understand that my BIL is the favorite because he farms with FIL and MIL can muddle in his life. But she is mistaken if she thinks that I will let her play favorites with my kids. I had a grandparent do this to me and my sisters; for whatever reason, we weren't #1 or even equal to that. I won't let her do this to my kids; it's unfair. Why aren't they just as good?

I look at my son and I picture what this second baby will look like and be like, and I can't imagine someone not loving them with as much intensity as I do, especially their grandmother. And I won't let them see it, ever. She already treats my husband like crap.

I just wish I understood her. I wish I knew what I could do to make her like me (probably nothing) because maybe if she liked me more, she'd like my kids, my husband more. I feel like the only thing that I could do is something I would never do - leave Big A. And, let me tell you, I will not do that ever. He's too good a man, I love him too much, and he can't help his mom's a *&^%$.

Anyone else have MIL problems like this? If it were just me, fine, I can put up with it. But now that she's involving my children (by not being involved or caring towards them), I don't know what to do but I can't just sit aside.


Stacey said...

Awe! That really sucks. I can honestly say that my Mother in law is awesome, and I can't complain about her at all. Don't take it personally. Some people just can't help themselves. I hope things get better for your kids sake though.

Melissa said...

I have MIL issues, but not that extreme. Luckily she doesn't take it out on the kids, in fact, she's completley opposite almost trying to out mother me. It's so silly.

I have my theories one her issues with me, and most of them boil down to her fear of me replacing her in the eyes of her son. But I have a few others. If you'd like to hear them I'd be more than happy to e-mail a few MIL rants you're away, but not without your consent, cause they'll probably reallllllyyyyyy long

Don't stress over it and enjoy the thought of meeting your baby soon! And thanks for stopping by my site earlier :) Glad ya did!

Aubrey said...

Oh how I had MIL issues/drama for the first 8 years of my marriage. Talk about a strain! What it came down to was my hubby finally stepping up and telling her I was his #1. We had to step away from the relationship for about a year. It was hard but she finally realized she would rather shape up and have us in her life than not!
Hang in there!

Kelsey said...

That sucks and I'm so sorry you have to have her as a MIL.
If she doesn't want to be a part of her grandchildren's lives than she doesn't deserve them or their love and sweet gestures.
You'd have to be a cruel sick woman not to love your own grandchild to pieces and blatantly pick favorites.

It's better off that Moose and new baby not have this woman in their lives if she's going to treat them like that. They're lucky that they have your parents who obviously love them to death - even before the new baby is born.

As far as your horrendous MIL, I wish I knew what to tell you. I hope I don't have one, but if I do oh well. If it were my kids, I'd just constantly let them know they are loved and surround them with people that do love them.

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