Monday, May 4, 2009

Dear boys,
Tomorrow is my last full day with you. It just hit me a little bit ago after you were all in your rooms (not sleeping, as usual, but in your rooms). I hope you know how much you have each touched my heart (and sometimes my nerve endings). Please know how much I love you regardless of the times I have hit my head against the wall in frustration (I do that for Moose, too).
The choice to leave this job and leave you has not been an easy one. I feel so much like I'm abandoning you like so many other people (including parents and family) have during your lives. The guilt eats my broken heart for breakfast. I cry knowing that you are "used" to this because I'm not the first person to leave you. And I'm so sorry for that.
I wish I could stay, I really do. And, although, that may seem like just something you say, I really do mean it. I want to stay, I do. But I think that we have the hindsight of already having a newborn. With that knowledge, we know it would be too difficult to have a newborn here. New babies take so much of our time and attention, I know that you would feel attention-starved (and some of you are already much too much attention starved). I remember when Moose was just born and it was all I could do during a day (a week...or more) to take a shower and take care of myself. And I know that I am selfish when I have a new baby; I NEED Big A to be there for me. So, just with all that, I feel this is the best option. I would hate for us to stay and you all end up being without the attention you need. You deserve someone that can give you 100%, not 1%.
I also know that I need to take care of my own kiddos. There are things in this house I do not agree with but have to act ok with; I cannot tell Moose those things are ok when my heart is screaming how they are not right. Too often even now, I push Moose aside and push him towards the stupid television instead of playing with him because I have such and such to do for the job or someone needs to talk or be taken some place. It's broken my heart since day 1 to push him aside like that. He needs to need his mommy, not Wonder Pets or Blues Clues or Elmo.
But as this last day has approached, I've wanted to smack you all at one point or another. And in the next moment, I wanted to hug you and kiss your baby cheeks (all of you are babies, not yet men) and tell you how much I love you. I hope you know that. I don't want to embarass you with too much affection - I know how tough you want to act.
Please know that I do love you and I will miss you. Tomorrow will not be easy. I thank you for trying to take off of work to spend the day with us. You can't know how much that means to me. I know Wednesday will be hard...and Thursday. Days will be rough for awhile. I know you have the perseverence to bounce back from this and go on with life; I do, too. I do hope and pray that you do not forget me, nor I you. I pray we stay in touch; that you let me write and call once in awhile to check up on you. I pray that you let me send you baby pictures and Moose updates as well as you sending me pictures and graduation announcements. Only time will tell. The one thing I do know is that you've left an imprint on my heart and I pray I've left one on yours. I hope if we never meet again on this earth that I will see you in heaven some day.

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