Friday, March 6, 2009

failing feelings

I have never failed anything in my life (except a Spanish test which I dropped later...). But I feel like I'm failing this job. No matter who tells me that I'm doing well, even my own husband. My heart just hurts here and I want it to stop. I don't know why we were brought here but I don't feel like this is where we're supposed to be.
I feel like I am not a good mom here. I use all of my patience on other kids and have none left over for Moose. And I HATE that. I haven't taught him a new sign in so long, I don't even remember the last one. And don't even get me started on how I feel I'm doing as a wife...
I could sleep all day if I could. And that's all I feel like doing lately (and it's not the normal pregnancy tired feelings).
I feel trapped here. Some of the boys say this feels like a prison, but to me it feels like hell. The only difference is that it's always hot in our house (not cold) and I know God's here. Not that I can hear Him or feel Him. I've been listening and talking and praying and begging...but I don't hear Him.
I feel stupid talking to other teaching-parents about it, even my best friend. I know she'd listen and even understand about the kids. But I feel so dumb because she's so great at her job and it fits her so well...and I feel so out of place and lost. I cry every day. Lately, I can't even stand to be in the house unless I have to be. Which makes me feel like a bigger failure.
I really want it to work out here because I don't know what else we'd be doing if we left here. If we moved back, what job(s) would we have? would we be able to afford our kids? would we have insurance? where would we live?

I'm so sorry that my posts suck so bad. I just don't know what else to do. I feel less stupid writing about this than talking about it.

4 comments:

Mommy In Waiting said...

oh honey---it is really okay.

I know you dont FEEL like you are supposed to be here---but thats the problem with FEELINGS--God gave them to us, but Satan uses them so often to convince us that God has abandoned or forgotten us. But I swear to you---He has not! Just as God could but DOES NOT force his creation to love Him, he could but does not control our feelings and emotions.

and, believe me, Satan is SO good at lying to us in a way that seems easier than fighting for the Truth of our Creator.

Probably sounds uber-stupid from me---the one who whines about her infertility---but even in my trials I know that God is (for whatever meanie-head reasons) allowing me to endure this for SOME purpose---i can only pray that in my earthly time I can find out what it is, because Heaven is too long away!! I know I'm probably a bad example because you witness (sometimes firsthand) my rants and raves about my "junk", and I rarely focus on the GOOD things God is doing. And I'm sorry for failing you as a friend and sister--I can only ask your forgiveness.

Let me tell you this:
YOU ARE DOING GREAT AT YOUR JOB (a--because you are still there and trying every day even when you probably dont want to be! and b--because, being here before you all got here, we have really seen a calm come over your house--thats a testament to you and Anthony's big hearts and loving ways).

You are still a good mom---you just taught Tristan a song---every time I go over there he is still happy, healthy, and social--You're giving him plenty of attention---and even though you feel stretched beyond your limits, know that God is taking care of T and fulfilling him to exactly what he needs. Dont worry about the tantrums---even though they feel early and frequent to you--every child is so different. I was told once that the reason toddlers tantrum so much is because they love their caretakers and know that their caretakers love them---and to feel totally safe and totally loved--its stimulating and can be overwhelming---so in any moment they are confused or distracted, they throw their fits because there is no other way to express themselves. They tantrum for YOUR affection and attention (and that is okay---it doesn't mean they're not getting enough already!!) and you are only reassuring him by doing this. Believe me, Tristan rarely tantrums in front of kurt and I because he doesn't have the same feelings for us---HE LOVES YOU AND A THE MOST AND THATS WHY YOU SEE THEM ALL!!!! :)

You are still a great wife---not that I'm your husband, but I just know. Anthony is whole with you, no matter what the circumstances.

I liked the end of your post---the questions you asked. Its really hard for us to ask ourselves those "tough" questions---the hard ones that make us think and that we might be afraid to answer. But sometimes I think just asking those questions GIVES us the answers (or at least hints at them). God brought you here for reasons beyond your and my knowledge, but in worldly ways, He's taking great care of you. You have a nice home, plenty of money to pay the bills (and buy me pistachios!), insurance....not to mention maybe the most amazing neighbors ever... :) (okay now i'm just being a doofus!) My point is---you're here and God's obviously been a huge part in that. Lets pray that you'll either learn your true purpose here (if its greater than just loving on some TOUGH TO LOVE kids) or that you'll at least become content in trusting Him while you still don't understand. and I'll do my part to be a better example of how to deal with my own "junk" too.

I love you a lot. I dont know if any of that made sense or means anything, but in case it doesnt, here are 2 scriptures that may say more plainly what I'm rambling about:

Matthew 11:28 Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden,
and I will give you rest.

James 1 2-6 Consider it pure joy, my [sister], whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, [she] should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when [she] asks, [she] must believe and not doubt, because [she] who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.


:) if you dont get this too late, we should go get ice cream.

Lisa Petrarca said...

I'm sorry you are having a tough time. I know about the sleeping thing, I do it too when I feel depressed, it's normal.

The Lord puts us in situations. We often don't understand why and feel lost and alone. Just remember he will never leave you or forsake you.

I have a new blog I started called "Bowl of Inspiration." There are several different Inspirational Stories and scriptures. Please stop by and read a few...especially "THE EAGLE." I think it might help.

I hope you will feel better soon.

Rion said...

What you need is to be thankful for right now that you have the job and everything will be alright in that aspect. My mom is hating her job right now but with this economy its so hard to change so you have to be thankful for what you have.

Also, I think moving to Washington is still a really good idea. Maybe if Weyerhauser gets going good after this recession Ant can work there! (Innocent sounding and not just cause she wants to have a friend to have around!)

angie said...

Sending you HUGE HUGS!

happy followers