I have never failed anything in my life (except a Spanish test which I dropped later...). But I feel like I'm failing this job. No matter who tells me that I'm doing well, even my own husband. My heart just hurts here and I want it to stop. I don't know why we were brought here but I don't feel like this is where we're supposed to be.
I feel like I am not a good mom here. I use all of my patience on other kids and have none left over for Moose. And I HATE that. I haven't taught him a new sign in so long, I don't even remember the last one. And don't even get me started on how I feel I'm doing as a wife...
I could sleep all day if I could. And that's all I feel like doing lately (and it's not the normal pregnancy tired feelings).
I feel trapped here. Some of the boys say this feels like a prison, but to me it feels like hell. The only difference is that it's always hot in our house (not cold) and I know God's here. Not that I can hear Him or feel Him. I've been listening and talking and praying and begging...but I don't hear Him.
I feel stupid talking to other teaching-parents about it, even my best friend. I know she'd listen and even understand about the kids. But I feel so dumb because she's so great at her job and it fits her so well...and I feel so out of place and lost. I cry every day. Lately, I can't even stand to be in the house unless I have to be. Which makes me feel like a bigger failure.
I really want it to work out here because I don't know what else we'd be doing if we left here. If we moved back, what job(s) would we have? would we be able to afford our kids? would we have insurance? where would we live?
I'm so sorry that my posts suck so bad. I just don't know what else to do. I feel less stupid writing about this than talking about it.