Wednesday, November 12, 2008

I apologize...

...for being so crabby lately. Maybe you haven't noticed. I've noticed how poorly written and "designed" my posts have been lately. It doesn't help that my darn memory card is not cooperating with my computer (and I think my computer is going to crash any second now). If I happen to take a very long sabbatical from posting, you'll know my computer crashed. And it'll be a long time until we get a new computer so I guess my posting days may be numbered. ha. Then what would I do with my days?

I wish I had something significant to post about. I'm just down in the dumps lately. I could barely act happy at our monthly MOPS meeting. I mean, I had fun, but my heart wasn't really there with me. I wish I had something to occupy my time so my thoughts could stray from our financial situation.

But I don't so that's pretty much where my thoughts have dug themselves into for now. My outlook right now is about as bleak as it is outside today. I just wish that I knew things would get better, that Big A (and I) would find a job.

Not just some job either. A job that could take care of us, where we wouldn't have to worry about paying Bill A, Bill B, or Bill C. Where we wouldn't have to sell our truck. Where we wouldn't have to ask for a deferment on my school loans. Where the thought of Christmas makes me want to burst into tears (because, let's face it, when your families don't have relationships with Jesus, this holiday is about presents). Where the thought of Moose outgrowing his clothes makes me almost hyperventilate.

It just seems whenever we get a glimmer of hope, that hope turns to dust so fast it's like a slap in the face each time. FS job in Illinois: hope, dashed. VA job: hope, dashed (and after the letter we got in the mail, I'm almost positive it doesn't sound like they'll reopen this job). I'm tired of it all. I'm still tired of where we live (although with the leaving of the Loud neighbors it's a tad bit more bearable...although the thought of being here 16 years like the lady on the end of our building doesn't do much for my hopes).

I don't want to be sad about all this. I don't want to wallow in this type of self-pity. I know it hurts Big A and it sure doesn't help me any. I just feel useless. I feel like I'm not helping at all (I realize I'm raising our son, but really, Moose is easy. He doesn't want to play with me much. He'll listen to me read to him for awhile. He'll cuddle less and less these days).

Sorry to be taking this out on you, dear blog and blog readers. Maybe if the sun ever finds Nebraska again, it'll cheer me up a bit.

4 comments:

Kathy said...

I'm sorry hear of your struggles

In prayer for you guys...

Rion said...

#1 - If it makes you feel better its rained for a week straight now here.

#2 - I will facebook you!

Jennie said...

Your gonna make me cry, and I don't like to cry alone, so we have to be big girls and not cry....I am soo sorry that you are felling like that right now...
I hate that about the jobs... .

I am going to get a little preachy right now, so hold on... don't let the devil get you down... he knows exactly what it takes to tear you apart... son;t let him tell you bad things about your home life, or you mothering, or your contributions to your family... what does he know? Nothing, that is what he knows...

You are a smart, beautiful woman, with a beauitful marriage to someone who loves you and a healthy bouncy baby boy... you are truly blessed... always remember that...

Belive me, I understand about being down and feeling like it is never going to turn around... God has plans for you, be patient, he will never forsake you ... now go hug that baby and give your husband a kiss and please don't think I am some wierd bible thumping crazy lady....

Tiffany said...

We have to first face the fact that life is hard. But there are those few people that always seem to get the short stick of everything. Ryan and I were very blessed to have supporting families and we both worked our butts off during college (part-time jobs and school work) to be able to have a little safety net here in Memphis where we found jobs.

Unfortunately, it sounds like you live in a smaller town and those don't offer much unless you're retired. lol. Have you ever considered maybe working minimum wage jobs to get on your feet, or considered sharing a duplex with family/friends? I don't really know your WHOLE situation. And I know it's very unappealing, especially to women, but maybe you could look into waitressing or fast food, or working at the library.

It just sounds like the more you're at home, you're getting depressed and that makes me so sad. You need to get out, socialize, and see all that's out there. Granted, you have a kid and that makes it a little harder, but please know that I will be thinking and praying for you.

~Tiff

happy followers