I apologize...

...for being so crabby lately. Maybe you haven't noticed. I've noticed how poorly written and "designed" my posts have been lately. It doesn't help that my darn memory card is not cooperating with my computer (and I think my computer is going to crash any second now). If I happen to take a very long sabbatical from posting, you'll know my computer crashed. And it'll be a long time until we get a new computer so I guess my posting days may be numbered. ha. Then what would I do with my days?

I wish I had something significant to post about. I'm just down in the dumps lately. I could barely act happy at our monthly MOPS meeting. I mean, I had fun, but my heart wasn't really there with me. I wish I had something to occupy my time so my thoughts could stray from our financial situation.

But I don't so that's pretty much where my thoughts have dug themselves into for now. My outlook right now is about as bleak as it is outside today. I just wish that I knew things would get better, that Big A (and I) would find a job.

Not just some job either. A job that could take care of us, where we wouldn't have to worry about paying Bill A, Bill B, or Bill C. Where we wouldn't have to sell our truck. Where we wouldn't have to ask for a deferment on my school loans. Where the thought of Christmas makes me want to burst into tears (because, let's face it, when your families don't have relationships with Jesus, this holiday is about presents). Where the thought of Moose outgrowing his clothes makes me almost hyperventilate.

It just seems whenever we get a glimmer of hope, that hope turns to dust so fast it's like a slap in the face each time. FS job in Illinois: hope, dashed. VA job: hope, dashed (and after the letter we got in the mail, I'm almost positive it doesn't sound like they'll reopen this job). I'm tired of it all. I'm still tired of where we live (although with the leaving of the Loud neighbors it's a tad bit more bearable...although the thought of being here 16 years like the lady on the end of our building doesn't do much for my hopes).

I don't want to be sad about all this. I don't want to wallow in this type of self-pity. I know it hurts Big A and it sure doesn't help me any. I just feel useless. I feel like I'm not helping at all (I realize I'm raising our son, but really, Moose is easy. He doesn't want to play with me much. He'll listen to me read to him for awhile. He'll cuddle less and less these days).

Sorry to be taking this out on you, dear blog and blog readers. Maybe if the sun ever finds Nebraska again, it'll cheer me up a bit.