Saturday night Big A & I went out to celebrate. Officially it was for my birthday (I am now the big double deuce). For me, our night was in celebration of another milestone - fitting back into my jeans! Not my pre-pregnancy jeans (they are a little bigger), but it's a stepping stone. It was kind of counter-productive to eat out (and have prime rib and a baked potato) when I just fit into my jeans, but I felt so good! It has been almost 9 months since I wore a pair of jeans.
Sunday morning my sister accompanied us to church. A good friend of ours gave the sermon. I have to say it was probably one of the best sermons I've ever heard. The Scripture was John 19-20. I'll admit, I've never read John. I get through the Gospel until Luke and then I just always thought, it's the same story just told a little differently.
Anyway, I was really thinking about how Joseph and Nicademus must have felt. Taking Christ down from the cross. I can't imagine how awful they must have felt. Their hearts must have been in their throats as they took the nails out and cleaned him up for burial. How alone would you feel? The man who said he was the Messiah is dead. I understand (and they did later) that he rose from the dead, but at that moment, He hadn't.
Before the sermon, our friend played "Silence of God" by Andrew Peterson. What an amazing song; it got me thinking right away. Have you ever felt like that? Like God just is not around or have you even questioned His existence? I'm really thankful because I've never had to deal with a sudden death (if it was sudden, they were sick) or I guess any situation where people would ask "why?" I never realized how blessed this makes me. I hope and pray that if I ever find myself in that situation that I don't deny God. It's cliche but I hope that I am thankful in all situations, continually aware of the blessings from God and that all is for His Will and His Plan.
I thought about friends I know who have denied God. Most of these people were going through hard times. I guess in my own way, I did deny Him. For about 5 years I did what I wanted when I wanted and often I justified my own ways by twisting Scripture or His intent. I was in a bad place where I made God who I wanted Him to be instead of being who He intended me to be. I'm still not who He has intended me to be. But I think I'm on the path.
I want to be a woman of God. I want people to meet me and see me and know that I am a woman of God. I don't think people, even my closest friends, realize how much I love God or what my personal relationship is like with Him. I can name women who I think shine with God's Light all the time. I want that. I don't know exactly how to get to this point, but I'm willing to talk to God about it, read about it, and listen to Him. I want to work to get to this place. The speaker on Sunday, his wife reminds me of the woman I want to be.
One thing that Sunday really showed me (through many tears and turning Tristan's burp rag into a Kleenex) is that I want so badly for my younger sister to see the Light. I asked her what she thought of the sermon and she said "it was good." I asked what she liked about it and she said, "I don't know." There was so much that could have spoken to her (and everyone else in the congregation). I know she's heard the Gospel and how to be a follower of Christ. I've shared it with her, she's heard it at FCA, she heard it in church on Sunday. I know I can't tell her heart; I just wish that she could accept Him, get excited about Him, and tell me about her relationship.
I ask that you help me to become the woman You want me to be. Show me how to be the wife and mother and friend and leader and follower and lover and everything else that You desire me to be. Open doors for me to minister to others, especially other women....don't let me walk blindly by them. I know I miss opportunities for lack of faith or courage; help me to keep going. I just love You so much! I want what You want with my life. Show Anthony & I where You desire us to go and to do what. Be with us wherever we are.